Pregnancy Loss Three Months On- Finally Getting Some Answers

I have been putting off writing this post for the past week because I feel like once I write it there will be nothing else to say and I don't want it to be over because that means my memories of my boy are further away. 

About ten days ago we got a call from one of the bereavement midwives to say that we would have our follow up appointment by phone with a doctor on the 9th, which was a week ago. 

It was an emotional weekend as we anticipated what we would find out during the phone call. We've had three months with this immense feeling of dread hanging over us, wondering what would come of all of the test results and the post mortem examination, if anything at all. We knew it was a possibility that we would never find out what went wrong and we had to try and be ok with that. 

On Monday, I finally got to see my family after three long months of being apart. It was a welcome distraction as I spent the whole weekend in my head thinking about it all, reliving what happened and trying to think of every possible outcome. 

I left work early on Tuesday so that I could be at home with Simon for the appointment. The midwife rang us with the doctor there with her and we both held our breath as she said she had a lot to go through. Seven pages of results which she would summarise for us and send to us by post later so we could read more thoroughly. 

I had no idea what she was going to say. As she went through my blood results and said they were "unremarkable" I kept thinking just get on with it, just tell us you don't know. She said Milo was the perfect size for the amount of weeks gestation and that they found nothing out of the ordinary in the post mortem, by all accounts he was perfect.

She said they got the most information from the placenta. When they examined it they found that it was inflamed which meant there had been an infection. I asked if she had any idea what could have caused it and she said there was no way of knowing. It could have been absolutely anything. I had no symptoms of anything wrong until the day before and I was sent home from the hospital that night with the conclusion that it was just something that can happen during pregnancy and it should go away. She said there was no sign of infection in my blood or urine. Basically there was no way they could have known it was an infection. I doubt there's anything that could have been done when I went into hospital the night before anyway. I'm sure the damage had already been done. 

I did feel somewhat relieved after we heard all of this. Relieved that we finally had our results but also frustrated and filled with sadness that if it wasn't for the infection, by all accounts Milo was developing perfectly and would have been fine. I keep thinking is there something else I could have done, was there anything out of the ordinary but I couldn't think of anything looking back. 

We will never ever have closure. There is no way that closure is possible for us because we have a lifetime of should haves and would have beens and I wishes in front of us. There is no way to avoid that. This is as close as we will ever get to having any kind of closure. 

We both felt a certain amount of weight lifted from us, although there are still unanswered questions about where the infection came from, I have to try and accept that I will never know. Or be as ok with it as I can be. 

I also wonder about being sick the week beforehand and if that had anything to do with it. If my Covid-19 test was a false negative and if I actually did have it and that affected the placenta. Apparently it has caused miscarriages and stillbirths and I wonder if that's what happened to me. It's something I will need to ask about once I get the full report. It won't really change anything but if there are more answers I would like to have them.

I was so drained last week that I took most of the week away from social media. I did try to keep up with what is happening in the world right now, the Black Lives Matter movement and try and share important and helpful information when I could. I also knew I needed to try and re-energise myself or I wouldn't be any use to anyone. I spent time talking to family and friends and my wonderful sister, brother-in-law and niece dropped us over a care package that evening. My brother and sister-in-law also dropped some flowers in to me which was such a thoughtful surprise. Work was hard because my mind was so preoccupied and people were asking me about it because they knew we were expecting our results. It was good to talk about it but also difficult to re-live everything. I now know that for me, talking and being open and honest about how I am feeling is the best thing that I can do for my mental health. All of the thoughts that I know are ridiculous, all of the things I know are not true or scenarios I hypothesise about because thats just the way my mind works. I try and share as much of it as I can with Simon and my family and friends. 

There is also that fear of burdening others. I don't want to seem negative all the time, I don't want people to feel drained in my company, in work or on the phone. I don't want people to worry about what to say to me or feel sorry for me. I'm trying to think of the positives. With everything that is happening in our world right now my problems don't seem to compare but I know that it's all relative to your own life. If anything though, all of this has made me want to make a difference in the world despite it being one that my son will never get to experience. I want to make it better, I don't want the next generation of marginalised people, Black, People of Colour, LGBTQ+ to have the same horrific experiences as those who have come before them. I'm making a commitment to focus my grief and empathy and love on trying to make whatever small differences one person can make and to stand up against injustice and for what is right and for those who's voices have been ignored and silenced for far far too long. 

So what next? I don't know what the future will bring. Everything seems so completely uncertain, both for us and for the world as a whole. All I truly know is that the love we had for our son will never be gone, we will keep it with us and use it every day of our lives. I may not get to shower him with my unconditional love but I will honour his memory with everything I do and try to be the best person I can be. I know I will fail, time and time again but I will keep trying. I have to for Milo. 

My beautiful son, I will love you for eternity and much longer than that.

Emma x